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How Honest Is Too Honest?

How honest are you allowed to be on the internet?

How transparent are you supposed to be?

I write to let out the raging thoughts in my mind, to stay sane and sort through life.

But I don't publish most of the things I write, because I feel they are too "transparent". Why is that? If I write on here, but don't write what I want to write, what's the purpose? Maybe I missed an opportunity to connect with someone who is struggling in the same ways that I am, since I wasn't honest. Why do I have to write with the intent to portray that I'm perfect and I don't have issues like everyone else?

I believe, like I said a few months ago, vulnerability is valuable. I feel like so many people, including myself, are afraid of vulnerability. But I also believe that it is important for healing and growth to happen. Everyone has their own standards for what they want to share, and that's okay. But this is mine, and I want to, and am going to be open.

I've been struggling with life, faith, and questions that don't seem to have answers. Life is hard sometimes. Finding hope and light is hard sometimes. But we're not alone in our questions, and people need other people.

"We all have an audience. We all have some kind of an influence. We all have a story and a voice. Our lives are our songs. Our hearts are our songs. It's okay to ask real questions. It's okay to say real things. Let's make things that matter and move, and let's chase after those things as well." -Jamie Tworkowski, on TWLOHA's blog, here. 

Here's to transparency.

Lessons From Solomon.

As spring break was approaching, the papers and tests and assignments started piling up (I'm using past tense because I go home tomorrow!). Obviously, procrastination happened. But today, I was working on my Bible character paper that is due tomorrow for my Old Testament class. I chose to write about Solomon, and I spent today reading about him and finding things to incorporate in my paper. But since my paper is just going to my professor, I wanted to share something that I learned today from the life of Solomon.

In the Bible Knowledge Commentary, I read "Solomon did not abandon Yahweh but he worshiped other gods as well. His heart was not fully devoted to the LORD; he compromised his affections.". And I realized... how easy is it for us to compromise our affections to Him? Do you even realize all that God has done for us, sinful, wretched humans, because He loves us? Even our lives, and every breath that we inhale and exhale is a gift from God. Yet we don't give Him the honor that He deserves, and so easily slip into idol worship!

Keep your eyes today gazing on the One who can renew your soul.

Blessings Through Trials

I've hesitated writing about this, but I've decided that since God has been really teaching me a lot through this trial, that I want to share the ways He has been working.

For years, I've always been more tired than my friends, and I've always had difficulties thinking clearly, but we never could figure out what the reason was. This last semester, with the stress of college work and life piling on me, it got completely unbearable. I just curled up and hid from everything, avoiding my problems. I didn't know why I was feeling so awful... When I went back home for Thanksgiving break, I got some blood tests done to see what might be causing the issues.

During finals week, my mom called me and said she got the lab results back, and it showed high levels for lymes disease. I knew so many people with lymes disease, my own roommate being one, but I never thought that I would actually have it...

So the doctor set up a treatment plan for me. It's going to take a long time, possibly never being completely healed. A lot of pills and antibiotics. But slowly and surely, I'm fighting the lyme in my body. It's not been easy though, in fact, it's been pretty awful at times. The thing that frustrates me about a chronic illness like this (and it's also pretty selfish), is that no one can see from the outside how much I'm fighting everyday to get up, and walk to class. Taking the antibiotics makes my symptoms worse for a little while, called "herxing". They've made me lose my appetite, and begin hating swallowing pills.

But you know what?

God has been really teaching me so many things through this. I'll occasionally have a bad day with my lymes, and my attitude about it will be so wrong. I've been repeating 2 Corinthians 16-18 every day to myself... "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

I've been learning the importance of supportive friends who are always there for a shoulder to cry on, or for them to pray for you. I've been learning not to judge people from the outside, because you never know what battle they're fighting that you can't see. I've been learning to cast away my selfish thoughts of "no one understands the pain I'm going through", but rather, to appreciate the people that make an effort to understand. I've been learning that if I don't get fed from God's word every day, I won't make it. I've been learning not to sit and let the pain engulf me, but to rise up stronger, and keep fighting everyday to make the most of my life for Jesus. And, I've been learning to thank God everyday for my trials, because it is a testing and strengthening of my faith.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it's full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

What are you doing today to make a change?

If we know the despairing effects of sin, why aren't we warning people?
If we know the saving power of Jesus' love, why aren't we sharing it?

Satan doesn't mind you getting convicted from a powerful sermon. He doesn't mind you going to church, or Bible studies. But at all costs, Satan will try to keep you from actually making a change. We get so used to hearing a convicting sermon, and then pushing it aside and doing nothing about it.

This change can look like so many different things. You might think you can't do much, but everyone can make a change in the spot God has placed them at the moment. Go get coffee with a friend, and ask them how they're really doing. Reach out to someone. Pray with someone who is feeling lost. Even just smile at a stranger, be a light in a world of dark.

Jesus loves you so much that He took the weight of all of our sins, was nailed to a wooden cross, and died for you. What are you willing to do for Him?

So I challenge you, what are you going to do today to make a change?

Vulnerability Matters.

Recently, I read through some of my old journals and my old blog posts. I had several strong emotions from that. As I saw how helpless and lost I felt, it made me sad. But as I thought about how I've made such an upward turn, it made me see how awesome God's grace is. When I was at my lowest point this semester, when I hit rock bottom, He was using all of that for His glory. Two months ago, I wrote in my journal "I can't get out of this cycle. I feel like I'm drowning, with weights tied to me hands and feet. I'm struggling for air, and instead I'm inhaling water. I cannot find an escape..."As I struggled through anxiety and depression, it was impossible for me to survive without Him. And I finally clung to Him, and He carried me up and out of that darkness.


Throughout this semester, I have learned about others who have been struggling. In the very last freshman seminar class, we had a time to talk about how God has worked in our lives through the past few months. One of my friends told the class about how he was struggling with depression throughout the semester, but how God was incredibly faithful and pulled him out. I think it's good to be open. You never know when your openness can affect another's life. Vulnerability matters. I found this quote that said "The scars you share become lighthouses for other people who are headed to the same rocks you hit."I want to be open, so that I might give others hope through my trials, and the fact that I overcome them through Christ.


I only have my final exams Monday through Wednesday, and then I'm done with my first semester of college. I can't believe how quickly it passed, but also how much has changed. In these past four months, I have changed in more ways than I have in most of my 18 years. I have cried and wondered where I was going.  I have hit rock bottom and felt hopeless. And in that moment, God reached down and pulled me out of the dark. I have grown so much closer to Him, and have learned to put my trust in Him. Philippians 4:6-9 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."


I have found that peace that is promised. And I don't know how I survived without it. But I'm here to tell everyone that I'm living and breathing proof that God is awesome. And He won't leave you drowning. He's always there. Just cry out to Him and He will be faithful to save.

Understood.

"You can do this."

I looked into his eyes after I told him I felt hopeless.
You know what people say about eyes doing the talking?

I saw how he was hurting for me. I saw that he understood what I was feeling, because he had felt the exact same way before. I saw the sad, but sweet sympathy.

I've never met anyone before that can simply look into my eyes and know. Understand. And respond with empathy. I felt understood, and that maybe there's hope for me.

Those 4 hour Starbucks visits: the ones that you empty yourselves. Your thoughts, your being, your worries, your everything. Those are the best.

Here's to a new beginning. I can do this. I can get better.