Vulnerability Matters.

Recently, I read through some of my old journals and my old blog posts. I had several strong emotions from that. As I saw how helpless and lost I felt, it made me sad. But as I thought about how I've made such an upward turn, it made me see how awesome God's grace is. When I was at my lowest point this semester, when I hit rock bottom, He was using all of that for His glory. Two months ago, I wrote in my journal "I can't get out of this cycle. I feel like I'm drowning, with weights tied to me hands and feet. I'm struggling for air, and instead I'm inhaling water. I cannot find an escape..."As I struggled through anxiety and depression, it was impossible for me to survive without Him. And I finally clung to Him, and He carried me up and out of that darkness.


Throughout this semester, I have learned about others who have been struggling. In the very last freshman seminar class, we had a time to talk about how God has worked in our lives through the past few months. One of my friends told the class about how he was struggling with depression throughout the semester, but how God was incredibly faithful and pulled him out. I think it's good to be open. You never know when your openness can affect another's life. Vulnerability matters. I found this quote that said "The scars you share become lighthouses for other people who are headed to the same rocks you hit."I want to be open, so that I might give others hope through my trials, and the fact that I overcome them through Christ.


I only have my final exams Monday through Wednesday, and then I'm done with my first semester of college. I can't believe how quickly it passed, but also how much has changed. In these past four months, I have changed in more ways than I have in most of my 18 years. I have cried and wondered where I was going.  I have hit rock bottom and felt hopeless. And in that moment, God reached down and pulled me out of the dark. I have grown so much closer to Him, and have learned to put my trust in Him. Philippians 4:6-9 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."


I have found that peace that is promised. And I don't know how I survived without it. But I'm here to tell everyone that I'm living and breathing proof that God is awesome. And He won't leave you drowning. He's always there. Just cry out to Him and He will be faithful to save.

Understood.

"You can do this."

I looked into his eyes after I told him I felt hopeless.
You know what people say about eyes doing the talking?

I saw how he was hurting for me. I saw that he understood what I was feeling, because he had felt the exact same way before. I saw the sad, but sweet sympathy.

I've never met anyone before that can simply look into my eyes and know. Understand. And respond with empathy. I felt understood, and that maybe there's hope for me.

Those 4 hour Starbucks visits: the ones that you empty yourselves. Your thoughts, your being, your worries, your everything. Those are the best.

Here's to a new beginning. I can do this. I can get better.

Sadness is home.

I don't feel like I have a reason for this intense sadness.

Sure, I'm having some health issues. I'm tired a lot, and unable to think and concentrate. Which then, causes my grades to suffer. Which then causes me to not want to even try to make good grades. Which in turns, leads to me wanting to sleep a lot. Which then makes me feel like crap.

I mean, nothing major has happened though. No one has died in my family, no traumatic events have happened. Besides the fact that 2 out of 3 of my grandparents alive were just diagnosed with cancer. 

There's just too many little things on my plate. Many more that I didn't mention.

And yet, I feel like I have no excuse for this depression I feel.

Am I really depressed? Or maybe I'm just making all of this up for attention.

I don't want to get out of bed. I want to just stay in bed forever, maybe I'll feel better if I sleep away my pain. I don't care about school assignments, due dates, or grades. I just want to get out of here. I don't care about anything.

Why am I feeling so numb? So useless? 

But the strange thing is... sometimes I don't want help. I enjoy this sadness. It's familiar. My sadness is home.

I felt so free.

As I sit in the backseat of my friend's convertible, my four friends are all around me singing the music that's blaring from the car's stereo system at the top of their lungs. We're driving across the long bridge from Clearwater to Tampa, Florida. It's night, and I can see the beautiful shining lights of the city, reflecting onto the stillness of the water in the bay. I'm sitting in the middle of this, soaking in the beauty of that moment. I don't want this ever to end. Sometimes, I feel alone. I feel hopeless. I feel lost. But in that moment with my friends, it was something that I have never felt before. I felt so free as I held my hands above the body of the car, screaming into the darkness of the night, with these close friends.

"Because I know there are people who say all these things don't happen. And there are people who forget what it's like to be 16 when they turn 17. I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs... But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening... I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you're listening to that song on that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite." -Stephen Chbosky